a year ago.. (December 2009)

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend’s were.
Each man’s death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

-John Donne, “For Whom the Bell Tolls”

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…a few days ago, actually the 18th to be exact, was the anniversary of my departure from Spain. A year ago, I was sitting in the Malaga airport (Southern Spain). I was by myself for a few hours as I waited for my flight to Dublin, when the memories of six months passed by my eyes and instantly I was flooded with emotion. How did I go from being a middle/high school teacher to jobless and emotionally wrecked? When did I come to the sense that I would rather give up comfort and security for some adventure? Let me back track a little…

…March of 2009, I was in a slump. Not sure what I was going to go, not sure about my future, not sure about life. In fact, there was a desire for a transition, a desire for a catalyst to produce a change in my life. I was tired. I was worn out. I had moved from complacency to self-loathing, to frustration, to self-hatred. You see when you are complacent long enough, the status quo eventually cannot bring you the same levels of satisfaction as it once did. The problem becomes, if you dwell on your present comfort long enough, you begin to reject “you.” In my case, I have dealt with fear of acceptance, and ironically, I rejected me. But this is enough for this blog. The rest of this can be saved for a different blog; maybe something subsequent.

At this time, I was invited by a family friend to come visit that summer at his leadership school in Southern Spain. If you have been around AIM long enough, the names Andrew Shearman and the G42 Leadership Academy, may ring a bell. It was an offer to be taken out of my present situation for a time and be immersed in other culture, community, mindset, and life for a period of time. I was ready for something…

Jump ahead to June, when I landed on Spanish soil. I was finally in Malaga. (Just so you know that I am a history/literature major/nerd, this is home town to Pablo Picasso and is referenced in George Orwell‘s memoir of the Spanish Civil War, Homage to Catalonia and Ernest Hemingway‘s For Whom the Bell Tolls.) I had come there not entirely sure why I had even done this; in fact, it felt impulsive. For the first time in a very long time, I was about to received an abrupt awakening. This would shape the course of my year, and really, my destiny.

Throughout this journey, I experienced community and to my dismay, realized who terrible I was at it. I learned that I have no fear of confrontation, but without consideration, I can be a jerk. I came to the realization that I am not in control, though I would try to regain it, (even to this day, it has been a struggle). I was brought to hard truth that one must look to the future with a plan and purpose, and that eventually, you have to take responsibility for such. 

Now this may seem like harsh, self-acculization to some, while others will say that I was spoiled and truly never took control of my life; and well, you are both probably right to some degree. Yet that is not why I am writing this. 
…I am writing to say that those two hours in the airport were so of the hardest truths that I had to overcome. I came to a point where I realized that the life skills and lessons I learned would one day have to be put to practice, and well, that was day was today (December 18th, of course.) As emotions flooded to the top and the pain of missing friendships built reverberated through my mind, I could not help but realize that I stepped out of that community and from under that leadership to do something. I would have to become what I learned, what I experienced, and what I believed. In essence, I could not be the same person ever again. It was not longer in my DNA. From that day forward, I became who I was called to be. The passions that burned within me would have to come forth and I would have to accept my involvement in the world. 

…these are just some thoughts that had been rattling around in mind for a few days and the significance of the day almost passed by without my recollection. I am truly thankful for the involvement of those who were with me during this season who pushed me; for without which, I may never have been able to get to this point. I am also thankful that despite our one-sided relationship, God never ceased to pursue me. In His mind, there was always hope and that there was a call to something greater than complacency and comfort.