It dawned on me, moments ago, that exactly one year ago, I was heading back from Andhra Pradesh, India. At this time, I would have been in the air, somewhere between London, England, and Atlanta, Georgia. Three months had passed through the blink of an eye; we had started and now, it was coming to a close. I came back with an empty emotional cup, covered in nicks and scratches. A myriad of emotions overwhelmed me. My mind was jumbled with questions. There was one question that was louder than the rest, hence, the only one I can remember…
What was I doing calling myself a leader?
I mean, who was I kidding? AIM? Kelly? My team? Myself? I certainly was not deceiving anyone. I kept thinking that I had royally screwed my team up, their experience, and blew any chance of doing anything else with AIM.
In short, I sucked as a leader. At least, I was sure that I was a terrible leader.
(You might ask, "Why are you so negative?" Well, I used to have a very a pessimistic and cynical view of life. I also held unhealthy expectations that I could never achieve. I should think that this is a prime example of what unrealistic expectations looks like.)
You are probably wondering, "What proof do you have? What did you do that would make you feel this way?" Well…
I had been a miserable leader for sure. I wasn't liked, I mean come on, they didn't like all the decisions I made. And I was pretty sure I was far too courageous and therefore did not prefer or consider others; that means I was a bully and authoritative. I was too driven, which meant I never liked to have fun. I was intense, so I always went to the extreme. Sound familiar? Being liked is the most important factor of that a leader needs to have, or that's what I'm told. Maybe I made that part up. Anyway, being liked was validation enough for me. It should have made me feel good, had it actually occurred.
We landed in Atlanta and were taken to a guest house for a two day leader debrief. The whole time, I was prepared to be asked to leave and never come back again. Realistically, that is how it should be, right? I mean when you fail miserably and everyone knows it, you pretty much get the chop, right? So there I was sitting with a group of leaders who had the best times of their lives on these trips. They didn't have any complications on their trips, right? I mean these are the people they are going to compare me to. Happy, check. Solid leaders, check. No mistakes, double check.
In that moment, an epiphany dawned on me. As we sat around the room, regaling one another of the stories that happened on the field, I began to see that one thing was clear: no one's trip turned out as expected. In fact, it looked like we had all missed the mark a few times and failed once or twice. Wow, that was interesting. I expected to hear these great stories of deep community, solid ministry, and divine communication. What my ears listened in on, were frustrations, hardships, and most of all, character development. How does that peak in every time? Ah, character development, how I loathe you.
Character. By itself, it's great. It can mean humor, personality, integrity. Those all look appealing. Coupled with development and one thing is certain: there is going to be work involved. Dang. I was so close to not having to work. There would be no internal shift to work toward. Sadly, I think now, that is what we call complacency. Shoot. I almost forgot about that vice…complacency.
Apparently what I was supposed to learn was something that I would normally abhor, developing my character. The phrase my dad always says, rings in ears as this epiphany occurs: God cares more about your character development than your comfort. I always hate it when he says something so true, that I only grasp, when it actually dawns on me. In light of the phenomenon, a daunting realization occurred to me. Despite how much I could downplay this experience, the truth would always be: this trip helped develop my character.
No matter if I could run away from this experience, the point would always be character development. I would hold myself to high standards, exploit my personage to unmet expectations, and development my writing skills by my own self-critique. Even though, I would probably still do this, it would all be in vain. My self-criticism was no match for the development my character would endure.
So here we are, one year from that date. Other than fleeting memories of frustration, lapsed with unmet expectations, I hold fast to the very thing I would hate to admit: my character development. Apparently, God has a sense of humor. One year later, I've come to this stark realization that I had to go through some situations in order to develop my leadership ability and character. A year later, this is what I learned…
