Disengaged. Disenfranchised. Done.
I set foot upon U.S. soil for the first time in a month. One month. It seemed like an eternity since I had been stateside. I was drained of enthusiasm, life, and grace. That is what done meant. I didn't care if I would ever be asked to lead again. Leadership was such a crux.
The entire trip appeared as such a joke. I had participants resent me. My co-leader and I were never on the same page. I was too harsh and high confrontational. Our ministry fell through. The hosts never spent anytime with my team. We always seemed to come up short. It was too easy to be a tourist than a missionary.
Can anyone relate?
Little did I know these feeling of hostility and resentment would stick with me for a while. It would take time to fully process the gravity of what had transpired. All I could think about was erasing this experience from my memory. If I would never talk about it again, I would be glad. Yet that is not what God had in mind.
We would talk about it. We would talk a lot about it. Just when I thought it was over, we would have another conversation about it. And to be honest, we still have conversations about the experiences though now they are more productive. How I abhorred talking about it!
Let's just stop talking about it. Drop it.
The more I tried to close it off from my mind, the more loudly He would speak to me. It needed to be dealt with. I mean I had said before that I was a "grace person." Apparently, this was contradictory to that statement. Maybe, just maybe He was right. There was a contradiction in my heart.
For a person being as high confrontational as I am, I was so closed off to conversation.
An epiphany was due to occur.
My feelings and sentiments had nothing to do with how well the trip ended, if every participant got what they were seeking, or if I appeared to have it all together. I was frustrated because this is the path I walked down. It did not look the way it should have. My expectations were shattered. Yet this was exactly what He had in mind.
There's the epiphany.
I was supposed to walk through the mess. I was being trained to walk through my grace. Areas were exposed. Expectations were being exposed and cast out. My character was being developed.
How I disliked character development!
I was reminded of these experiences a few days, during final debrief for the Fall Passport teams. One of my friends came home from leading to find themselves in a very similar state of mind: disengaged, disenfranchised, and done. Feeling like a failure. Questioning why they did become a leader? Why did they walk through such a mess? Was this even worth it?
I understand the feeling.
After conversing about the feeling of failure, it dawn on us that the feelings stemmed from the dislike of the process they were being walked through. It was not as glamorous as they would have liked. There was hope that God would change the process into something worth sharing with others. Not this.
Yet that is not what happened at all. They (and subsequently, myself) went through a process that caused us mature and grow up in a way that was difficult. They walked exposed before their followers (participants) and it was gritty and dirty, yet so very real. It is not always pleasant, appealing, or tolerable. Still there is a lesson to be learned.
Your character is going to be developed. Get ready.
