Trapped by Comparison
"I used to analyze myself down to the last thread, used to compare myself with others, recalled all the smallest glances, smiles and words of those to whom I’d tried to be frank, interpreted everything in a bad light, laughed viciously at my attempts ‘to be like the rest’ – and suddenly, in the midst of my laughing, I’d give way to sadness, fall into ludicrous despondency and once again start the whole process all over again – in short, I went round and round like a squirrel on a wheel."
-Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment
Begin…
Lift the pen to the page
Scribble inaudible words upon an affixed page
Then it hits me, something stifling. These words are not me. Or at least, they fail to look and feel organic, you know, like writing should…at least that's what I'm told. Frustrated and despondent I quit. Yes, I quit. Time and time again, I quit, or really, stop writing. Not permanently, just for duration of time, until I cling to some unforeseen courage, the kind that is left in the rubble and must be dug out. The very same that is weak and frail, because it's been used and possibly abused.
It makes an appearance. It is something I have wrestled with not only in writing but in life. Comparison. I am quite familiar with this harassment. I am sure you understand my battle.
Why must it take such hold over me?
Because it is an excuse. It is easy.
Ah, there is it is. Easy. It is easy to compare myself to the ramblings, and personas of others because I can never be like them. No matter how hard I try, I cannot be them. But it is fun to try, well, at least that is what Iam told. Why? If it was easy to confront fear, there would be no need for this post. The only part of this that is easy is the route of fear. Give into it and you never have to battle. You can standby comfortably. No cares. No worries. No courage.
Wallowing in cowardice. Despondency in the air. Reality sets in. An epiphany dawns.
I cannot be like them. I was not meant to be them.
I am who I am. Despite the paradoxical nature of the phrase, I am Nick, and no one else.
I love the honesty you expressed here. You are you, and nobody else, and for that I’m grateful! The word coward or anything that even resembles being lacking in courage is not you, I’m certain that you couldn’t be that if you tried. You are Courage itself. Keep writing…I love it.
Dear Nick —You are exactly the way God made you and we love you just as you are. God bless you and Kayla as you plan your life together and may it be as happy and satisfying as Grandpa and I have found ours to be! Remember Christ always at the Head of the Home! Love you lots.
Nick, I am always amazed and inspired by your persepective and heart, comparison truly does steal our joy and draws us away from the very place God has gifted us and appointed us to be. Your gift of writing is strong and true and brings others into the beauty of our Lord. Thank you.
@Kayla – Thanks for your support and encouragement, babe.
@Grandma – I appreciate your encouragement. Thanks for the truth.
@Wendi – Very much appreciate your comment, Wendi. And, you’re welcome.
This blog made me reflect back on something I was reading from Rohr a few weeks back. It made an impression on me and I wrote this quote down in my journal. Perhaps I’ll blog some thoughts of my own on this topic.
“It is probably the most courageous thing you will ever do to accept that you are just yourself.” -Rohr
Sounds great, Kayla. Love the Rohr quote.
Sigh.
I am here right now. Always trying to be like them, the better parts of them anyways.
Praying God removes our blinders and lets us look in the mirror with His vision.
I know He will. We just have to come to realization that they don’t control us, nor does being unlike them take away from who we are.
Appreciate the honesty.
What squad are you on?
Love this Nick. And thank you for this reminder.
Thanks, Di.